i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
