I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
