I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
