im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
