Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
