So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
