you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
