How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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