TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
