Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
