Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
