just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
