my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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