Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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