It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
