Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
