Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
