we have pet lesbian snakes
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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