i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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