Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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