i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
