a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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