direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
