Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
