Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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