This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
