so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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