I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
