everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
