life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
