so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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