allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
