What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Best friends brother. Beat that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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