I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
