and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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