I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
