Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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