I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
