google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize