ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
