I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
