If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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