put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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