Your mouth is God's brothel.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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