Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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