So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
