Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
