I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
