I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
