i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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