I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
