i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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