If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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