My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
