I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
