Me too!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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